It is hard to believe that it has been over one month since I walked out of the doorway of that breath-takingly gorgeous model home that I called my office. Lump in my throat and picture frames clutched tightly in my sweaty palms. But looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.
One of the most suprising discoveries I have made is that as irreplaceable as I convinced myself I was in my management role at work, my phone has not rung once with calls for help. That's right. Can you believe it? That company that I just knew would come begging me to return has not yet done so. Humble pie tastes funny- a little hard to swallow. And the world continues to turn without my assistance.
I would love to report that it has been blissful and sweet and easy and problem-free. If God calls and orchestrates a huge life event like selling your big home, quitting your big job-that sort of life event- then surely you will emerge victorious..right? I don't know why I expected to wake up week #2 and be a real life Betty Crocker who knows how to do wife stuff. Like clean out the fish bowl and know what to buy at the grocery store. Surely I would not have a melt-down after baking ribs for two hours and them turning out like an old rubber car tire. ( Cue my poor children children chewing in uncomfortable agony, not wanting to hurt my feelings. Now cue the handsome husband who saunters in from work and takes a bite of says one horrible word about my cooking.. "Unchewable".. That was the last word he spoke before his head was missed by an inch with a missile shaped like a rib.)
Yes. It has been hard. But beautiful. About week 2, I woke up with a horrible sensation. It had been rumbling under the surface for days, but raised its ugly head instantaneously. I was having withdrawal pains. Not from my career. Something worse- from control. I began having a mild panic attack. Praying under my breath, I dialed my wonderful counselor and therapist who immediately called me in. I told dear, dear Louis of all the events that had transpired and he listened before his diagnosis. "Christy," he declared, "You are a wonderful mother and you have certainly sacrificed much. But, my, have you got a bad case of control-itis. One of the worst I have seen."
He was so right. I had used my bread-winner status to gain a false sense of security that I was somehow in control. That my husband needed me. That I people wanted to be around me thus loving me because I was a successful career driven woman. I was secretly terrified that Jason would reject me for being a kitty-litter cleaner. Or a lunch-maker. Or a supporting and loving wife. So there in that office, where my journey to quit my career took shape a year earlier, Louis set me up with a plan. A plan to be well- body, soul, and spirit. I realized just how silly I was being. God has a beautiful way of bringing to light all that is ugly so that I keep my eyes on Him.
I went home and apologized for throwing the rib and for being awful and for forgetting that I must trust. Jason lovingly accepted and has been amazing through this transition. Since then, I have had so many reminders of why we took this leap of faith. Each day when I round the corner to pick up the kids from school, I am thankful. When my children and their wild and precious friends destroy my home with pillow fights, I am thankful. When I get to spend perfect Saturdays catching up with family and long-lost friends, I am thankful. My former life is becoming dimmer and the present grows more beautiful every day. I have such a long way to go, but our God is a God of grace- I know He can see how much my heart wants to beat in time with His.
When I left the counselors office that day, I knew I need to stop at the bookstore for some Holy inspiration. Sisters, you know where to turn when you need just that? Yes, maam. Beth Moore. "Breaking Free" was just for me. Beth wrote in the beginning of the book of the powerful and righteous man, Gideon. But he didn't start so powerfully. She says, " God sees the potential of His children. In Judges 6:11-16. Gideon was hiding from the Midianites in a winepress. The angel of the Lord came and said to Gideon, 'The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.' Of all things, while Gideon trembled in fear, God called him a mighty warrior-long before he was one."
This makes me happy. I can trust in Him through my growing and weaknesses and as work on changing old habits through the Holy Spirit. I will keep on chipping away at the ugly, raw places that humble and scare me...and I will keep pressing on towards the beautiful heart He already sees. As Beth goes on to state, " The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience.' I found Him faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today'." The other item I bought at the bookstore that day was Christy Nockels' new CD. The song below is my heart right now, and you will be blessed as you listen to it. Although she may not throw food at others, I think there is a common heart that is shared with the desire to be more of what He sees, as the layers of "me" are removed- day by day and moment by moment. Christy
Christy Nockels- "Into the Glorious"